I am going to be moving in the coming months. Good bye washington.

I... I think I really want to be a teacher.

... What I want to teach I have no idea.

I think I have fallen in love again.. Fuck me.

  So. Interesting things of note as of late, It has been SEVERAL months since last I posted here. I am sure many think that I am dead. Honestly. With all that has happened. I think at one point I thought I was dead too.


  That being said where to begin.

  I did not read my last journal entries so maybe I am repeating myself. Let us see.... Well, I moved back in with my parents. I pray this lasts only as long as needed. I hate it here, but i saw that coming. Independence swept away before you can even fucking blink. Scary actually when you think about it, how much you give up and how much you gain just from where you live and by how much money you have. I thought i had so little before, only now do i realize how small the box really is, now that i am inside it once again.

 I have begun working out, I do not know if it is working, before too long I ended up falling ill due to a germ my loving brother brought home from work, I am only now recovering. The work outs are grueling and hard, but worth it. i never knew how hard yoga was.

 I leave for Rhode Island is just under a week, I will be there for an entire week. There is a woman there whom I adore and care for. I hope things work out in my favor and the feelings are mutual. Time will tell and we shall see.

 I am begining to hate WoW, I am losing too much time and getting little for my time invested, i honestly wonder if i will make it 5 years. Things never seem to go off without a hitch in that game now, and well, I am just starting to get tired of it.

 In other news, I have a small shard of respect for Rachel Ray... mainly because she admits that Tony Bourdain is fucking RIGHT. Oh, and she admits that she is NOT A CHEF!

  This is good, maybe the appocolypse will be held back another day. I think the doomsday clock just went back a minute.

 Life goes on however, I am again unable to sleep on any regular time frame, It really is annoying and uncomfortable.

   I need a job.

   I hate that fact more and more I admit it to be true.


   I hate the fact that it is true more than the job itself.


What tomorrow brings... Hmm, I can only hope it brings a good night of sleep and a well rested day. I am tired of fucking snow I just want to go for a bike ride without freezing my nads off and worrieng about peelouts and dying from oncoming 2 tons of fiber glass and annoying cell phone woman.


 God I am a jadded fucker.....
 

It has been an interesting last few days, including today. I have realised I have grown up , alot over the last year or so. I do not know when exactly it happened. All I know is that it has indeed happened. 

  I went to the olive garden with my family the other day. Normall I would have been psyched about such prospects. I would have been all kinds of smiles and bubbly emotion. However this was not the case, Instead while we were waiting for our table a creeping feeling if dread came into me. I felt as though this dinner was going to suck.  We went in,  I ordered Four cheese sauce over ziti pasta and Minestrone soup. The soup was badly spiced and with too much stuff in it, cucumbers and a whole bunch of unnessessary vegtables that only served to confuse me rather than make me want to eat. It seemed to me that someone dumped a salad in soup and said "We will serve this tonight!"

  Second. My father and I got into a fight. My father and I never fight. The situation.. My dad started a beer an hour before we were gonna leave for the movie. He only finished it just before we were ment to leave however. I told my dad i was not going to get into the truck with him, I told my brother i was not going. My brother and dad got pissy, as if i was sacraficing their entertainment for my high horse ideals. My father even went so far as to ask when i got so "self-righteous" I retorted by telling him That i was being responcible, something that he had taught me. My last words to him that day were "Fuck you old man" while flipping him off. My entire family defended him saying that he had had under the illegal ammount of achohol consumption. I told them i didnt want to take a risk , we could leave and catch another movie later if wanted but i was NOT going in there. 

  This makes me wonder if i did the right thing. And makes me wonder even more who my fanmily would have backed, dad included, if i was getting in a vehicle with everyone else. I just dont know..

 I will add more later, for now break is done and I have to get back to work.

So, Work, It was quite odd today. I knew i should have posted earlier because I KNOW there is more than currently exists in my mind.

 The big point is I saw a girl with an Anti abortion T shirt. The thing about this shirt is at first i was intrigued , On the front is written "I survived" . 

  Okay sounds reasonable enough. maybe they went to something SO FUCKING AWESOME they gave out shirts congradulating you for not having your mortal coil ripped from your body!

 But no , it went on , upon the back of the shirt to state, that they survived abortion.. or some stupid. 

 I do not get people that oppress themselves, people that fuck themselves over so bad and then have the FUCKING NERVE to say shit like "Why is it like this?"

 Honestly. I wonder why god hates the same things republicans do. I just don't get it. No, I lie, It is obviously the twisting of holy words passed down generations to provide people with a spiritual strength that would help them get through the hardest of times, and turning it into the blackest pitches of human soullessness all for some kind of fucked up personal agenda. 


 "IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD YOU MUST HATE ABORTION, GOD DOES, SO MUST YOU!!!"

 They forget about the free choice clause their god put into his own goddamned religion. 

  I hate people


 This was supposed to be about work.

    Fuck it.

Beware those who play Rock Band, the IGNORANT SLUTS are on the scene. With more ball punching action than you can handle !


  On other news. Life kicks ass and so do I. Let us kick ass together. 

  So much has happened. So many painful lows to count with the tool of simple digits. 

  To say simply. I am single again. And it isjust as painful and lonely as I remember it to be. But who am I to bitch about it. It ws my hand that made it so. I was single long before I was told it was over. I had a fuck buddy in my last weeks, Not a partner. This is through no fault of their own however as i was the one who pushed them away. Not even realising it I created a void so massive, no ammount of willpower and love would bridge it. Not anytime soon atleast.

  She has moved on and found someone. Someone amazing, one of my best friends. He is a true gentleman and an incredable scholar. I am jealous I must say that I was never that cool. They both are on friendly terms, though i will not lie and say I am , for lack of a better term, comfortable with their affection. They have something powerful between them as we once did. I took it and tore it appart. I did not think about what I did, what i said, and what I would ber sacraficing to act as a shallow pre-pubecent boy without any pair of testicals and even less maturity.

   In my time I have been told many times I can be a great person, well, no. They say I can be an AMAZING person, They make no bones about it. Perhaps they are true and I hope it is the case. I have some growing up to do, I have an image to change and I have some balls that need to drop.

 For the moment though I will move on to more pressing matters. Today at work I continued day two of incredably sharp and painful chest pains. I treat these with more gravity then I would if the four horsemen themselves were playing polo with someones head on my lawn. It instills fear in me, the kind that can keep me up at night and tired during the day. The kind that rests in the back of my head making me breathe sharply , making my eyes wide and my brow wet in terror. It is a very mortal fear, one that reminds me that my entire existance is baced on the skill and understanding of other professionals... I hope for my case they are more diligent than I in school. 

  I told my boss about this, That I should go home, take it easy, and see a doctor. He said he would talk with boss #2 about it and make sure everything was cleared.  An hour passed. Break happened. Not a word. I thought i was in trouble, as if they were about to tell me to not enter the doors again once I had left through them. Instead, I was called into the office (just like the old days). Not only did he tell me I was not in trouble in teh slightest, he told me that if nessessary i can take tomorrow off, and if i needed a ride home. He would give me one. This kindness is not unkown to me , but it is rare.

  I am glad I have such understanding people around me.

  As to my old relationship, To you Tiger, I salute you, Thank you for the euphoric highs of our relationship, I will carry those memories in my heart until the day I die as some of the best one can have. I wish you well, I hope this works out. 

  Know my love for you will always burn on, and if our crossroads meet again in the romantic way. If I have changed enough, If i am good enough to be a partner and not a burden ( i know i was) . Maybe, Just maybe, I can be better for you the second time around.

 Until then, Live life, Love forever, and keep your feet on the ground and your head high.